Repetitive Relationship Patterns

The more clients I coach and the more life I live, the more I see so MANY of us involved in chronic patterns of dysfunctional relationships. After many questions and creation of a detailed genograms (diagram of relationships), you can clearly see how the client’s partners share consistent similarities, such as unavailability (emotional or otherwise), instability, substance abuse, physical and/or emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. Each relationship unfolds in pretty much the same way time after time and end badly. After a couple of relationships, the destructive patterns that drive the clients to enter into new relationship are very obvious to others and start to become blatant even to the client. So, the question is why on earth would people knowingly seek out relationships that are going to make them miserable? Why continue from failed relationship to failed relationship?

There really isn’t one clear explanation as to why we give into self loathing and destructive behaviors, but for the sake of this blog post, I will give you the explanation to one reason that is common among all of us who have these cycles of bad relationships. It is the fear of intimacy and of the opposite sex. My friend, Dr. Charlie Johnson calls it fear of connection and emotional unavailability.

But if we fear connection with the opposite sex… even if it’s on a subconscious level, how can we relate intimately to them? Instead of working at truly connecting with our partner, we do everything we can to engage in destructive behaviors which serve to keep the other person angry or hurt enough so that we don’t have to get “close” to them. Is that crazy? You may cheat, lie, never acknowledge (appreciate) your partner, never give compliments, overstep boundaries or create boundaries for your partner but none for you, etc… Or we choose partners that are incapable of intimacy. They don’t want to be caressed. They want you to leave them alone when they’re sick. They don’t want your help doing anything. They won’t accept compliments. They will call you overly emotional or needy. Does that even make any sense? Well, I told you above that we do this subconsciously so it becomes a cycle that destroys our EVERY attempt at “connecting”.

Come back tomorrow so we can finish discussing this topic. Like always, leave me a comment or email me at linda@couragefactor.com. Ask me your questions or share your stories. See you soon!

I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About

When someone you know you’ve had an experience with… say an argument or even a kiss… When that someone acts like it didn’t happen… Pretending it didn’t happen in hopes that the situation will disappear is called DENIAL. Leave this person alone and go in the other direction. But if you decide you want to deal with them. Expect to hear phrases like, “I don’t want to talk about it or Stop being so needy or I don’t know what you’re talking about or I’m not going to entertain that”. Basically, denial is this person’s coping skill and THAT is not a good coping skill at all. This is funny. Denial and coping shouldn’t even be in the same sentence. If you’re denying you’re not coping. (wink)

That’s the way Linda speaks… Like the above paragraph. Now, let’s explore denial a bit further. When the demands of life require capabilities that seem to exceed our resources, when we feel the threat of loss and exposure, we experience anxiety. In an effort to avoid the pain of anxiety, we practice the deceptive art of denial. Simply put, denial allows you to put whatever the issue is “on hold”. As long as you don’t accept that something needs your attention then it doesn’t exist. You will resort to many other behaviors to justify your denial. Even blaming the person who wants you to acknowledge the situation and lying just to keep the other person from discovering the “truth” about you. The blame will often come in the form of making the other people feel guilty or bad for even asking you about a particular issue, like they’re crazy to even bring this up. And once the person in denial exercises these behaviors they strip you of any “right” you may have to get an answer. You may start to ask yourself if you’re even right for wanting an answer.

However, some people stay in denial because they just don’t have communication skills. Many of us go around expecting others to know exactly what we want without us having to say it. Try telling others exactly what you need from them AND ask what they need from you! I call this, “Giving Others A Road Map”. When you have a map you won’t get lost on your way to your destination. When you don’t give someone a map on how to deal with you, you set them up for failure.

So, let’s stop using denial as coping mechanism and learn to trust one another. Let’s set each other up for success! :-)

Do You Snoop?

I Give Thanks

Thanksgiving Day 2009…

I didn’t know it then, but the Linda I am now… The strong, confident, fighter, survivor Linda… She was being born. It didn’t seem that way. I felt scared. I was alone. I covered for him so much that no one believed the fear I was living in. However, I am GRATEFUL for 2009. I am grateful that God kept me.

Today, as I prepare to get up in the morning and start cooking our 2011 Thanksgiving meal, I am thankful that ALL my children are with me. It’s the first year I will have all of them at the table for Thanksgiving since 2009. I am thankful for the people God put in my life, who “kept me”… Gloria Montalvo, Diana Cox, Deedra Hester, Jane Dunkleberger and others… I am thankful that I have a place to live. I am thankful for my peace of mind. I am thankful for that bachelors degree I received this past July. I am humbled daily when people call me or email me to tell me something I said changed their life. I am thankful that you’re reading this blog.

I am thankful for FEAR. I am very familiar with FEAR. I lived with FEAR probably my entire adult life. In the past, FEAR paralyzed me. It kept me stuck. It made me a prisoner of my circumstances. Today, I recognize FEAR very quickly. When FEAR pops up I tell it THANK YOU… It’s letting me know there’s some unknown in the near future. FEAR now makes me very ALERT of my surroundings. FEAR keeps me moving forward, not scared and paralyzed.

It is my SOLE PURPOSE to share with you that it’s OK to be scared to death and DO IT ANYWAY! I did it and YOU CAN DO IT TOO! Other people in my life were instrumental in my journey. I will forever be grateful for them…

What are you thankful for today?

Recognizing The Cycle

As I put the finishing touches on my very first product, (my soon to be released self help dating program), I can’t help but think back on the relationship I had with my father.

I always wondered, why my father was the way he was. But I didn’t really “connect the dots” between my childhood and my adult life.

You see, I experienced a normal childhood. My dad comforted me when I fell down riding my bike or was hurt, he took me to the fair, bought me ice cream or took me to my favorite place whenever he could. He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. He told people I was the apple of his eye. I sat on his lap, gave him kisses and hugged on him. However, I never heard my dad say, “I love you” to me.

As I became a young lady and my body began to change so did my dad. Now that I’m adult I see something I couldn’t see then. It’s as if he never accepted that I was a young lady. I was either a child or a woman. Even though I was only 11, 12 and so forth because my body was changing he began to address me in very negative ways. He always said the most awful things about me and expected the worst in me. Somehow, because I had a vagina I was destined to be nothing but something a man could sleep with. He became extremely verbally abusive to me. To the people in church he was such a great husband to my mom and father to me. It appeared that way. But no one knew what went on behind closed doors.

Even though I grew up in the United States, you would have thought I was raised in a third world country. I was raised to be someone’s wife and cater to a man. If I wanted to sleep in on Saturday, my father would awaken me by saying, “No man wants to be married to a lazy wife.” Or if my room wasn’t straight he would say, “No man wants to be married to a dirty wife.” When I said I wanted to go to college, he said I would find a man to take care of me so college was out of the question.

Fast forward to 2011. When I tell people I was in an abusive marriage until 2009, they tell me they can’t believe it. They say I don’t look like the type of woman who would take that, who would live in fear in her own home. They’re right. Today, I am not that woman. But you see? I grew up that way. That was normal to me. And how did I choose a man that said he loved me, had children with me but disrespected me and treated me so awful? Subconsciously, I sought out a relationship that matched that of me and my father. My husband always said that he paid the bills and had me driving a nice car and we wanted for nothing. He provided and I should be happy he wasn’t laying on the couch. He said he supported me going back to school to get my degree, but would call me dumb and stupid as I stayed up late doing my research papers. To his co-workers and my friends he was such a great husband. It appeared that way. But no one knew what went on behind closed doors.

So, you see? A father’s role is so important in a daughter’s life. Children learn what they see. How a man treats his wife is how his daughter will expect a man to treat her. Until or unless she learns that there is another way. I did that. I discovered there was another way. When I decided to own my life, I went back to school. Going to school empowered me and before I could even graduate, our marriage ended. He couldn’t even deal with having an educated wife with her own thoughts and ideas. Today, God has blessed me with my own business and I’m not looking back.

It was the summer of 2007 that I had an “A-ha” moment. It was then I realized I no longer HAD to continue living life the way I had until then. It was then, I owned my future. I didn’t have the full plan but I had a plan and that was better than I had ever done in my life. I had lived according to someone else’s plan up until then.

It is my desire through Courage Factor to help as many people to develop the COURAGE to own their life, to live their OWN DREAM and not someone else’s. I pray that as you read this, a little fire starts to burn inside you…. A little flame that tells you it’s time to light up and carry out your destiny. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE! But you must take the reigns back. You must get in the driver seat and stop being a passenger. You must decide that you will not be a victim any longer. There is another way.

I need you to stop saying, “Life is hard” and realize that your life is hard right now because of the decisions you made or failed to make in the past. Choose right now to change your life. One foot in front of the other is how you do it. But never take a step backwards. You are NOT alone. Please, feel free to click “like” on our Facebook Courage Factor page. Join a community of people who are living their lives COURAGEOUSLY.

If you are single mom, PLEASE, find a POSITIVE role model for your children, a brother, a mentoring group at church. And please, recognize that you have to make a CONSCIOUS choice to break the cycle of your past. We need more men to step up and deposit greatness in our kids. If you are a man, consider how important you are in continuing the cycle, whether your cycle is positive or negative…